Truly The Worst Day of My Life

Today was Hell. It was by far the worst day of my entire life thus far.

The morning started out ok. Woke up, had a rough time finding the 'right' outfit to wear to my dad's funeral, but got ready, had Sawyer picked up by Grandma Kelly {she was to bring him after the viewing in time for the funeral} and we made it to the viewing pretty much on time. This viewing was much harder for some reason. I ended up crying with just about everyone I saw. I kept looking at dad's casket, but decided I would wait to say my final goodbye until the closing of the casket. I did not get that chance. About a half hour before that, I got HORRIBLE news that caused me quite literally pass out. I was talking to a friend when Brandon came up and pulled me aside and told me that an ambulance was taking Sawyer to the emergency room because he couldn't breath. My heart stopped for a probably a good 30 seconds or so. I felt as though everything and everyone around me froze and the air had been sucked right from my lungs and my blood had turned as cold as ice. I began to gasp for air but I could not get any to my lungs. I became so hysterical and breathing so rapidly I felt my lips, hands, legs, and chest begin to tingle and then..... I woke up on the ground surrounded by 20-30 people. I didn't know what had happened but I knew it was something bad. My brother and Brandon had to carry me out to the car and put me in the seat. While we were driving to the hospital, I kept praying that my dad and Heavenly Father would show mercy on me and not take my baby. I wouldn't be able to take my baby being taken from me......

While we were driving we ran into stopped traffic {of course. I HAVE to be at the hospital asap and there is a traffic jam. Go figure.}. Brandon took the emergency lane and there were a few cars that tried to stop us but Brandon was able to get us out of the jam and back on our way quickly {I was so grateful for that.} The entire time in the car I was going hysterical. I couldn't breath and just about passed out again. I scared the crap out of Brandon. He was trying to concentrate on the traffic but also try to keep me awake and breathing. We made it to the hospital {me still conscious} and Brandon pretty much had to carry me into the emergency room. I was still so dizzy from lack of oxygen I could barely walk. Once I found my baby {in the arms of Kelly with Max and my mom around comforting him} I once again began to sob and gasp for air. All I wanted to do was hold my son and make him better. They made me sit down because I was losing it and then everything went black..... again. I woke up a few minutes later with the nurse saying "I am not sure who to treat... the mom.... or the baby!"

I looked right at Sawyer and tried to stand up to get him but was too weak to stand so Brandon got him and brought him to me. I sobbed. Thinking that you are going to lose your baby is soooo...... devastating. No words can truly describe how horrified I was and so grateful that he was in my arms and doing ok. The doctor checked him over, took blood, and took him for a chest xray. While they had him in the xray, I began to sob yet again. I was not there to say my goodbye at the closing of my father's casket. I was not there for his funeral. I was not there for the dedication of his grave. I knew I was where I was suppose to be..... but that did not console the aching in my heart for not being there to say goodbye.

When the doctor came to talk to us after the xray, he said that everything looked normal and they really couldn't say what had caused Sawyer to have such labored breathing. By this time, he was acting normal {thankfully} but his breathing trouble is still a mystery.

Kelly and Max took Sawyer home while Brandon and I flew to the grave site. When we finally found his grave, my heart sank. They had already placed my daddy in the grave and were ready to seal him in without me saying goodbye.

There were so many things I wanted to say. So many things I should have said. I stood next to his grave as close and I could but all I could do was look in and tell him from a far "Goodbye Daddy. I love you."

I missed everything............

I do not regret going to the emergency with my baby. But I am aching that I missed saying goodbye.

Brandon and I slowly drove to the church where my family was meeting up to eat. I tried to get out all my sobs before I went in but as soon as I looked around at all the people who were able to make it and be there to see his funeral, I lost it. Again. My family tried to calm me down and console me, but I don't think anything but time can heal this gaping wound.

Today was Hell. I pray that my dad knows that I wanted to be there with him and that I love and miss him. I am so grateful for the knowledge of the plan of salvation. I don't think I would make it through if I didn't know, deep in my heart that it was true. I pray for forgiveness for all the times I offended my dad or hurt him. I pray that he will be there to greet me when it is my time to return home. I am so grateful for my friends and family, for all their support and love through this awful time.

Although I wasn't able to say goodbye to my daddy before they closed his casket, my brother and sister made sure that my letter and picture to him were placed him his casket so he could have it with him. That brings some comfort.

Daddy, I love you. I will miss you everyday until we see each other again.