What To Do

This last week I feel like I am constantly on edge, tired, anxious, and restless. Last night I thought I was going to go insane if I didn't DO something so I decided to try to clean my closet. After I got done with that I finally took down all of my Halloween stuff {Only a month late} and started trying to put up my Christmas stuff. Its hard cause I want to be in the Christmas mood but I can't seem to get into it. I love Christmas and its making me sad that I can't get into it. I was trying to make my house look festive but feel so empty and ugly on the inside I couldn't put things together to make them look nice. I can't seem to get my head on straight. I try to keep busy so my thoughts won't drift to my dad but they always seem to and my heart just aches.
I found a lot of my old Kraft foods magazines I use to get and have found tons of delicious recipes I want to make but I can't even muster up the energy to make them. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so alone and lost.
I haven't been sleeping well at night the past week either. Been having horrible dreams. Last night for instance, I had a dream that there were 3 demons that would attack Sawyer when it was dark. He had to always be in the light or they would hurt him. I tried to put a night light in his room to keep him in some light and I saw the 'demons' shadows and they scared the snot out of me. It left me with such a dark hollow feeling. These are the types of dreams I have been having lately. Anyone surprised I am so moody?!
I know things will get better I just need to stay positive. I need to force myself to put on a smile and keep putting one foot in front of the other....... *sigh* Sounds a lot easier than its going to be I am afraid. BUT I CAN DO IT! I am going to keep going.

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving was a difficult one for me. I have so much to be grateful for and I know it, but every time I started to count my many many many blessings, I felt a dark cloud would come over me and hide all the wonderful things I have been blessed with. Please know that I do truly know how blessed I am in my life but at this time of struggle and sadness its been hard for me to see the good through the bad.
For Thanksgiving dinner, we headed down to Brandon's grandma's church for a wonderful dinner and a lot of family visiting. Brandon family is so wonderful. I love them all. It was even fun for Sawyer I think. There were lots of little ones his age he could play with so that was great! Brandon went motor cycle riding shortly after dinner with Kade and his dad and Kelly and I headed home. I went up to visit my dad then had to make another trip to my mom's. My sister had come in that morning so it was so wonderful to see her and get to spend time with her. We ate at my mom's {I think I have gained probably 10 lbs from all those yummy dinners} and then we looked through the Black Friday adds. There wasn't anything I wanted to wake up for but Nikki said she wanted to go to a few places so I decided I would stay over at my mom's with her and go fight the crowds. We didn't go to sleep until about 1:30ish and woke up at 4:30am. It was my first night being away from Sawyer voluntary {the other times I was in the hospital} and it was really rough! I'm a baby I know but I totally missed my little one. We hit up a few stores and got a few things. We spent soooo long in lines that it was nuts. It was fun to go shopping with Nikki though. After we were done shopping, we both went home and got ready for the day and headed to my dad's.
Yesterday was another hard day but turned out great. I had my sister-in-law Melanie come to my dad's and take pictures of him and all of my siblings and their families. It was very crowded and very crazy but we got through it with several good pictures and I can't even wait to get them all back! Here are a few I snagged from Melanie's photo blog...

I am sooo incredibly happy with these pictures! I love the silly ones we did. They capture a lot of my dad's personality. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful sister-in-law who was so willing to do these pictures for us. They will be most likely be the last family pictures we are able to take with my dad. She was so great and has such a wonderful eye. Love you so much Mel!

I am so grateful for families. I have been so blessed to have such wonderful parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of eternity. I know that this is not the end for my father. I know that when it is his time to return to our Heavenly Father, he will be greeted with open arms by my grandpa, his sisters, and all those that have been waiting patiently for him. I am grateful he was able to be sealed to his wife LK and that I was able to be a part of it. I am grateful for the extra year in which we were able to spend with him. The doctor said he would only live 6 months.... he survived a year and a half! He's such a miracle. I am so grateful for prayer. I know that so many of our prayers have been answered and that we have been so carefully watched over. I love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and am so grateful for everything they have done for me and my family. I have been truly blessed.

Sometimes Things Get Worse.....

We got more bad news about my father today. He had an appointment at 11:45 with his oncologist and they said the lesion in his brain in more cancer and that it is what is affecting his motor functions and stability. His doctor said that he would no longer need chemo since the brain automatically shuts off chemo from traveling to his brain. He said the only thing that could be done would be to do radiation on his brain. He said if it were him personally he wouldn't subject a family member to such 'torture'. The radiation would make him very very sick and he'd be in a lot of pain. He said he wouldn't wish that on his worst enemy. After hearing that of course LK opted not to do radiation. I called her around 1pm and she could barely tell me all of this. I offered to call my siblings and spread the news. That was a very hard thing to do for me. How do you tell people your father is dying and there is nothing else you can do? I tried to be strong while telling each of my siblings the news but I ended up breaking down after everyone I told.
I called Kelly and asked if she would watch Sawyer while I went and visited my dad. The entire way to his house I was bawling. I couldn't contain any of my emotions. I had to sit in my car in front of his house for a while to try to compose myself. I knew it would not be good of me to go in and just start crying. I needed to be strong for him....
When I entered his house, he was in his usual chair talking on the phone and just sobbing. I lost it. I dropped my stuff and ran over to him. I laid my head on his chest and matched his sobs. I pulled back so I could look at him and he just started back at he, tears pouring down our cheeks. I held his hands and noticed how frail they have become. He then put his hand on my cheek and I memorize how they felt on my face. I kept telling him how much I love him.
My uncle and nana came and so did his bishop and his neighbor that he is good friends with. They gave my dad a blessing. At this time I cannot remember every thing it entailed but I can say I felt peaceful after it was done.
My sister Charise got there soon after and also my sister Tiffany and niece Torrey. I was so glad that they were all able to come and visit him today. He needed it so much. So did I. We sat talking and reminising for quite a while and ate a little dinner. It was close to 7 so I decided it was best to let him get some rest and go get my baby.
On the way home I called Nikki and totally broke down again. I try to be strong but I really am weak when it comes things like this. Nikki broke down to me as well. She is coming to town this week and I couldn't be more thankful. My dad needs her as do I.
I know I have asked many times for people to keep my dad in their prayers but I am asking again....
I love my dad. Right now, I am terrified. I pray for the strength to be strong for my dad and family.

Lee Thanksgiving

Cooking

Last night, Tia, Liz, and I decided to do a little baking. We made Triple citrus cupcakes {from the Martha Stewart cupcake book} and they were sooo divine! They were so fresh and had a little sour kick to them. We also decided to make some Peanut Butter and chocolate pretzels! Those were quite fun to make and very delicious too!

Sawyer's New Boots~

I bought some cute little boots at Walmart the other day and Sawyer loves them! He got mad when I took them off at the store after having him try them on! It was hilarious! He is a shoe boy just like his momma!

So Proud of .... Myself!

I did P90X Yoga all alone and I made it through the entire hour and a half without giving up! After the 1st half hour I was ready to call it quits but I forced myself to keep going. I feel great now that I did it! Yay me!

Tonight, some friends are coming over and they guys are going to do 'guy' things while us girls bake up a storm! I can't wait! Hopefully everything we make turns out delicious!

New Moon

Went to New Moon last night with Brandon, Tia, my mom, Derik, Derik's friend, and a guy from Brandon's work and had a great time!

Check out our sweet vamp shirts we bought! lol Least we didn't by actual "Twilight" shirts right?! Tia even brought her fangs. I gotta get me some! Its always so fun to go to a late movie cause I always tend to get really goofy and giggly at night especially after I've had a RockStar! It was a fun night and I really enjoyed the movie!

Not Sure What To Call This...

There are some days I just don't know what to name my post. This is one of them.
Our family had another bombshell dropped on us last night. It started when I was getting ready to pick up my friend for some yoga when I got a text from my brother saying I needed to run up to my dads cause something was wrong. He wasn't sure what was wrong other than my step-mom was really worried about my dad. Brandon was on his way home so I called him and had him go straight to my dad's instead of coming home. When I got there, my sister, sister-in-law, step-sister, and Brandon were there getting my dad ready to go to the ER. I asked what was going on and they said that he has been acting really 'funny' the past week or so. He hadn't been talking really at all. If anyone knows my dad you know that is VERY strange that he wasn't talking especially for a week. Also, he would take a very long time to answer when you asked him a question. It was almost like he was 'slow' even though normally he is quick as a whip. I had Brandon take Sawyer home while I went to the emergency room with them. When we got there they asked him questions and again he wouldn't respond for a long time, he didn't know what the date was, and he almost seemed kinda vacant at times. They drew his blood and took a urine sample to check for any kind of abnormalities or infections. Those came back clean. They took him for an MRI and once those results came back we were all quite shocked to hear what they showed. They found lesions in his cerebellum. The cerebellum controls your balance/stability and is the center for your respiratory. Not a good place to have cancerous lesions.
After they told us this disturbing news, they released my dad and let him go home. While I drove home I started thinking about what this all meant. He's had cancer for almost 2 years now and has been doing chemo for a while also. He's slowly declined in health and has changed in so many ways I almost don't recognize him. He was always so strong. For example, he would always show off by tearing a large very thick phone book in half! I was always so proud to show off that trick to my friends! He is a very tall man and was always very muscular but now he is so thin and feeble it blows me away when I see him. He always looked very young for his age but now he seems to have aged 20 years. As I mentioned before, his mind was always quick as a whip but now he is forgetting things constantly, doesn't seem to follow a conversation like he once did, and seems vacant. When he looked at me in the ER, he reminded me of a child looking back at me. Its just so strange to see my father so helpless. Its kind of shaking my world around. The Dr in the ER told him what they found in the MRI then said for more information about the lesions he'd have to see his regular oncologist. I went and saw him today and he wasn't able to get into his oncologist which really bugs me. While I was at my dad's he didn't really say much at all the whole time. He'd also fell earlier that morning while he was in the shower and bruised his arm pretty bad. We decided it was no longer a good idea for him to be walking alone or standing while showering. With the lesions in is cerebellum, they are definitely throwing off his balance. If he were to fall and break lets say a hip.... I don't think he'd last. And frankly, I'm too young to lose a parent. So for now we just have to wait until he can get into see his oncologist. Cancer.... such an ugly thing.
I told my mom she was not allowed to get any kind of cancer. That goes for all my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, children, and acquaintances! Lets hope they all listen...

Christmas Shopping

I can't believe it. Its not even Thanksgiving and I am 90% done with my shopping! How fantastic is that?! I only have Sawyer and Brandon left on my list. It feels good to be almost done! Now hoepfully I can just relax and enjoy the holidays!

Messy Messy Messy

Pictures of My Boy!

Sawyer LOVES Sesame Street! We watch it probably 3X+ a day! lol

When Sesame Street is on that is ALL he sees! He could care less about anything else going on around him!

Last night, Brandon was having Sawyer kick a football. It was so adorable! I think he is going to be a very athletic boy!

{Notice his cute new football shirt!!}

Sad Accident and Baking

We had a little bit of an accident today. I bought Sawyer some new pants over the weekend but he is so darn skinny they fall down to his ankles a lot. My mom was trying to pull them up but could only do it with her one hand since her other is in a sling. She pulled on the pants and he face planted on the kitchen floor. I thought he had just hit his head so I rushed over to him and started looking for a goose-egg and then I saw that his mouth was bleeding very bad. I kinda turned into momma bear when I saw all the blood. I was worried he had bit his tongue {since he always has that thing sticking out} or he had knocked a tooth loose, or bit through his lip. Thankfully, all he did was get a little slice in his upper lip and a goose-egg on his head. It was the saddest thing ever. I hate when kids get hurt. It breaks your heart.

Yesterday, I was in a baking mood so for breakfast I made German Pancakes which turned out beautifully....

Then I decided to make brownies and a new cake....

This delicious looking cake is called the Berry-Glazed Chocolate Cake. Here is how to make it...

Ingredients:

1 package devil's food cake mix

1 package instant chocolate pudding

4 eggs

3/4 cup water

1/2 cup apple juice

1/2 cup canola oil

1 teaspoon rum extract

1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Raspberry Glaze:

1/4 cup seedless raspberry jam

2 tablespoons apple juice

1/2 teaspoon rum extract

Chocolate Icing:

2 tablespoons baking cocoa

1/4 cup heavy whipping cream

2 tablespoons butter, melted

1 cup confectioners' sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Make it:

1-In a large bowl, combine the first 7 ingredients' beat on low speed for 30 seconds. Beat on medium for 2 minutes. Stir in chocolate chips.

2-Pour into a greased and floured 10-in fluted tube pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 45-50 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pan.

3-In a small saucepan. combine the glaze ingredients. Cook and stir over low heat until smooth. Brush over cake. Let stand 10 minutes or until set.

4-Place the cocoa in a small saucepan. Stir in cream and butter until smooth. Cook and stir over low heat for 2 minutes or until thickened. Remove from heat; stir in confectioners' sugar and vanilla until smooth. Cool slightly; drizzle over cake. Let stand until set then serve.

It was a fun cake to make and it was tasty! Very rich tho.

First Snowfall (technically)

I usually am not a fan of the snow but having Sawyer I am looking forward to playing in it with him! He looks so adorable in his little Elmer Fud hat!

Fall

Brandon and I were out raking leaves and had Sawyer all bundled up. He did actually play in the leaves but that was of course before we got the camera out. He loves his little boots tho! Hasn't quite gotten use to the gloves or the beanie but he will.... hopefully! I love fall! I am kinda sad that it is going to be snowing here shortly but it will be fun to play with Sawyer in the snow! I think he'll like snow.