Prayer

I have postpartum depression. I get it really bad after my pregnancies. With Sawyer I didn't seek help until he was 3 months old and I was to the point I was ready to really hurt myself. Never him, just myself. My doctor put me on Zoloft and it turned me around within a few days! It took me until Sawyer was 18 months before I was able to ween myself off of it but I was able to. Since I knew I get depression bad I knew that I would need if for sure after the twins were born. Twice the hormones.... kind of a no brainer! My doctor got me on it pretty quick so I've been pretty good. I ran out of my medicine last week and so I had to call in to get more refills and they said it would take 4 days or so. I thought "ok I'm sure I can live without it for a week or so." I was wrong. Last week was a HORRIBLE week. I felt so out of control constantly. I was yelling at Sawyer, getting so frustrated with the babies, hated everyone and everything. I tried exercising to release some of my frustrations and it helped until I went home. I was a bad mom last week. I try really hard to not yell at Sawyer. I was so irritable and on edge that everything he did seemed to make me fly off the handle. I'd yell at him then get so mad at myself telling myself "he's only 3 why are you freaking out like this? He doesn't deserve it. You don't want him to think this behavior is ok and to be afraid of mommy." I loathed the person I was being and the more I thought about it the more angry at myself I became. I took a lot of it out on my poor sweet boy too. Ugh, makes me sick to think of how I treated him. I didn't want to act like that I just felt like I couldn't control myself. Sunday morning, I had just kind of had it. I went downstairs to put in some laundry and I broke down. I hit the floor and prayed. I didn't want to be this person. I'm not this person. I don't know how long I was on my knees praying but it seemed like a long time. I lifted my head and noticed a pool of my tears on my tile. I hadn't noticed I had been sobbing the whole time. I wiped my eyes and took some deep breaths before I headed back upstairs. I went into my room and Sawyer came in and said "What's wrong mommy?" I told him I was sad. He said "Don't be sad mommy, turn that frown upside down! I love you mommy." I can't tell you how much this boy means to me! He may have saved me that moment he said that. God knew exactly what I needed at that moment. He sent my beautiful angel boy to cheer up his mommy. After that I slowly started to feel a little better. We had to run to the store and as we were checking out, Brandon got a text from the pharmacy there and said my prescription was ready for pick up! Talk about answered prayer! I knew that Heavenly Father had heard my prayer. I needed my medication and he provided it when I was almost to the point of losing it. I am so grateful for prayer and for a kind Father in Heaven who will listen and reach into my life in unexpected ways to help me in my dark moments. I'm also grateful for my 3 wonderful kids whom I adore. I love being a mom and am so glad I am so blessed to raise these beautiful spirits! I am also grateful for my husband. He is my love, my life, my everything.  I took my medicine last night and can say today is going to be a beautiful day!

Oh This Life

I remember being young and for the most part 'carefree'. Lately, I have found myself wanting to go back to those carefree moments at times. Being an adult and having so much responsibility is a blessing but is also very overwhelming at times. I remember seeing my parents struggle financially, emotionally, mentally, and at times spiritually but I never gave it much thought. I never worried about why they were struggling but now being a parent, a wife, a caretaker, a cook, a housekeeper, a home owner, and so many other things I am realizing how tough it can be to be an adult. So many worries and struggles to go through. I am grateful that I have a testimony of Heavenly Father though. I think at times that is the only way I am able to keep going. At times it does seem like he is pushing me to that very fine line but I am always able to conquer the challenges I've been faced with with His help. I am also grateful to be a wife of such a great man! He works so hard so I am able to stay home and be with our children. He's a true gift and blessing in my life. I am grateful to be a mom! Its difficult some days but I would never give it up for the world. Sawyer has made my life so joyous and filled it with so much love and laughter! I can't wait for the twins to be born too! I admit I have been pretty nervous about it but am also so thrilled! What a great experience it will be to add these two little blessings to our little brood!