Prayer

I have postpartum depression. I get it really bad after my pregnancies. With Sawyer I didn't seek help until he was 3 months old and I was to the point I was ready to really hurt myself. Never him, just myself. My doctor put me on Zoloft and it turned me around within a few days! It took me until Sawyer was 18 months before I was able to ween myself off of it but I was able to. Since I knew I get depression bad I knew that I would need if for sure after the twins were born. Twice the hormones.... kind of a no brainer! My doctor got me on it pretty quick so I've been pretty good. I ran out of my medicine last week and so I had to call in to get more refills and they said it would take 4 days or so. I thought "ok I'm sure I can live without it for a week or so." I was wrong. Last week was a HORRIBLE week. I felt so out of control constantly. I was yelling at Sawyer, getting so frustrated with the babies, hated everyone and everything. I tried exercising to release some of my frustrations and it helped until I went home. I was a bad mom last week. I try really hard to not yell at Sawyer. I was so irritable and on edge that everything he did seemed to make me fly off the handle. I'd yell at him then get so mad at myself telling myself "he's only 3 why are you freaking out like this? He doesn't deserve it. You don't want him to think this behavior is ok and to be afraid of mommy." I loathed the person I was being and the more I thought about it the more angry at myself I became. I took a lot of it out on my poor sweet boy too. Ugh, makes me sick to think of how I treated him. I didn't want to act like that I just felt like I couldn't control myself. Sunday morning, I had just kind of had it. I went downstairs to put in some laundry and I broke down. I hit the floor and prayed. I didn't want to be this person. I'm not this person. I don't know how long I was on my knees praying but it seemed like a long time. I lifted my head and noticed a pool of my tears on my tile. I hadn't noticed I had been sobbing the whole time. I wiped my eyes and took some deep breaths before I headed back upstairs. I went into my room and Sawyer came in and said "What's wrong mommy?" I told him I was sad. He said "Don't be sad mommy, turn that frown upside down! I love you mommy." I can't tell you how much this boy means to me! He may have saved me that moment he said that. God knew exactly what I needed at that moment. He sent my beautiful angel boy to cheer up his mommy. After that I slowly started to feel a little better. We had to run to the store and as we were checking out, Brandon got a text from the pharmacy there and said my prescription was ready for pick up! Talk about answered prayer! I knew that Heavenly Father had heard my prayer. I needed my medication and he provided it when I was almost to the point of losing it. I am so grateful for prayer and for a kind Father in Heaven who will listen and reach into my life in unexpected ways to help me in my dark moments. I'm also grateful for my 3 wonderful kids whom I adore. I love being a mom and am so glad I am so blessed to raise these beautiful spirits! I am also grateful for my husband. He is my love, my life, my everything.  I took my medicine last night and can say today is going to be a beautiful day!

#3

Last week was yet another difficult week for my family. We lost our beloved grandpa Keith Passey. He had had a heart attack back in January but seemed to recover pretty well. Last Sunday we was in the middle of Gospel Doctrine class, in the middle of a sentence and went into cardiac arrest. Thankfully he was around so many people because they were able to give him chest compressions and mouth to mouth and saved his life. Even one of my friends husbands did chest compressions to help. They took him to the hospital and he was doing ok. They wanted to do an angioplasty on Monday but his blood was too thin so they scheduled it for Tuesday at 8am.

When Tuesday rolled around his nurse came in and he acted like his usual self. Talking, laughing, making jokes. Everything seemed normal. The nurse walked out of the room and as soon as she did his monitors started blaring. They tried to resuscitate him but it didn't work. This time it was his time to return home. My mom called me around 8:30am and told me the news. I told her I would meet her at the hospital. I had to prepare myself mentally for going over there. This is 3 deaths for my family in 15 months. 2 in less than 2 months. The last 2 have been my mom's parents (her mom and her father-in-law). I knew she was going to need me. When we arrived at the hospital I hugged her and we walked back to his room. His wife Elizabeth, sons Steven (my step- father) and Darelle were already there. I had a very difficult time looking at Keith. He didn't look like himself laying on that hospital bed. I wanted so badly for him to sit up and start joking or tell me its been ages since he's seen me and hug me like he always did. He would always tell me how beautiful I looked even though I would really look horrible. Even after all the deaths I have been through lately.... it doesn't get any easier. I almost feel numb. I don't know how to react anymore. The loss of even my dad still seems so fresh and now I have had to deal with 2 other loved ones. I really pray that we don't have anymore deaths anytime soon. I just don't know if my family can bare much more.

His service was absolutely lovely. He got a military graveside service which was beautiful to see. Here are a few snap shots I got at the grave

Grandpa Keith Passey you will be missed. Until we meet again.....

One Year Ago...

One year ago this day my father passed away. The wound is still as fresh today as it was a year ago. I was able to go up to his grave and bring flowers. I had been able to keep my composure pretty well through the day until I got to his grave. Then the tears flowed and soon I was out right sobbing and snotting all over myself. Its hard to believe its been a year since I was able to touch, hug, talk, or see my dad's face. I miss him and think of him everyday.

Dad, I love you and miss you so much.

Lacking talent

I am desperate to find something I excel at. I look around me at the people I know and I can name at least 10 things my family and friends can do sooo much better than me. When I look at myself I can only say "yeah, I'm ok at that. Not great, but ok." I don't want to be ok at something anymore. I want to be great. I have tried several things and have not found one thing I'm great at. It makes me feel very worthless especially when I think about it too much (such as now). These feelings of uselessness and worthlessness have been eating me alive lately. The Lord says he gives everyone talents but I have yet to find mine.
I had a friend tell me that I am beautiful (such a sweet compliment).... that's not a talent and beauty always fades. Someone tried to cheer me up and say I am good at decorating... this made me laugh out loud! My house is still decorated for Easter! I have Easter eggs all over still. So no. That is not one of my talents. Writing, singing, dancing, drawing.... all things I would love to be great at but will never be. I've come to accept those things but I wish I could find just one thing that was mine that I could say "yes, I am great at that." I keep praying for the Lord to help me find my talents. Maybe I am not praying the right way or maybe I am praying for the wrong thing? I'm not sure. I just hope one day I can feel a little bit of accomplishment in my little life. Something that makes me feel good about myself. I think everyone needs that. Sigh.

Another Regret To Add To My List

Brandon and dad's birthday was Thursday. I did pretty good not showing how much pain I was feeling with my dad being gone.... It became almost unbearable once LK came. She brought a pool that my dad had bought last year especially for Sawyer to play in at their house. (Don't get me wrong I was SOOO SOOO happy LK came. The pool just made me think of all the many many things I didn't do and all the hundreds of regrets I have.) I never brought him over there to play in the pool. Not once. Gosh, I feel like an idiot. Why did I not do that? It was such a simple thing I could have done. Why could I not take a few hours out of my day and let my dad watch as his grandson swim in a pool he bought for him? Why was I so selfish. It makes me feel absolutely disgusted with myself at how awful I was sometimes. Yes, we had our differences but that should never had stopped me from letting him see Sawyer swim in his special pool grandpa and grandma bought him.
I remember every time I would go over there dad would always say stuff like "Look at the way Sawyer just looks through to your soul." or "Have you kissed those little baby lips yet?" I use to think he was weird when he would say things like that but now I look into Sawyers eyes and I understand what he meant. Dad could sense just how close to the veil he was. And now I also can't get enough of my baby boys kisses! He was right. All along. Wish I would have taken the time when he was here though. Its just another regret to add to my list unfortunately.