One Year Ago...

One year ago this day my father passed away. The wound is still as fresh today as it was a year ago. I was able to go up to his grave and bring flowers. I had been able to keep my composure pretty well through the day until I got to his grave. Then the tears flowed and soon I was out right sobbing and snotting all over myself. Its hard to believe its been a year since I was able to touch, hug, talk, or see my dad's face. I miss him and think of him everyday.

Dad, I love you and miss you so much.

Another Sawyer Story

Forgot to post this.... Sunday was a bad day for me. I was just all sorts of on edge and emotional. Started out with Sawyer not eating great in the morning. Then we went to church and the first speaker in sacrament talked about her mother passing away from cancer. Any type of cancer stories get me. Makes me think of my dad.... naturally. I had to step out before I started to sob and have snot all over myself. Not an attractive look. While I was out I guess Sawyer threw a big tantrum for Brandon. When I got back he was fine. Weird. After sacrament was over I wanted to have Brandon take Sawyer to nursery to see if he would do better if he dropped him off instead of me. I stayed back a ways so he wouldn't see me. Apparently he had. He started throwing a fit and trying to throw up. I went in and was going to sit with him in nursery but he did the gagging thing. I knew I needed to get to the bathroom stat. I was outside the womens restroom and BLAH..... He puked ALL over himself and me (and apparently the floor. I didn't know that until Brandon had told me later). Guess what I did... in church.... I SWORE!! Of course it wasn't empty either. There were tons of people in the hall scrambling to go to classes. I didn't think about it at the time but now looking back I am pretty embarrassed! Swearing in church.... who does that?! Meeeeee! hhahahahaha Needless to say we went home. I cleaned him and I up and put him down for a nap. That is the hard thing about church. Its right during his nap time so he is never all that happy. After I put him down, I went to go lay down myself since I was in a rotten mood. I didn't sleep. I sobbed. Brandon came in and was going to read but did something out of the ordinary. He gave me a massage! Full body massage! It was amazing! It helped relieve a lot of the tension I was carrying and calm some of my frustrations. I love it when he does stuff like that! Its the best especially when I am in one of THOSE moods! It helped a ton but I was still pretty moody the rest of the day. Sigh. Now there is a story for the books! ha!

Another Regret To Add To My List

Brandon and dad's birthday was Thursday. I did pretty good not showing how much pain I was feeling with my dad being gone.... It became almost unbearable once LK came. She brought a pool that my dad had bought last year especially for Sawyer to play in at their house. (Don't get me wrong I was SOOO SOOO happy LK came. The pool just made me think of all the many many things I didn't do and all the hundreds of regrets I have.) I never brought him over there to play in the pool. Not once. Gosh, I feel like an idiot. Why did I not do that? It was such a simple thing I could have done. Why could I not take a few hours out of my day and let my dad watch as his grandson swim in a pool he bought for him? Why was I so selfish. It makes me feel absolutely disgusted with myself at how awful I was sometimes. Yes, we had our differences but that should never had stopped me from letting him see Sawyer swim in his special pool grandpa and grandma bought him.
I remember every time I would go over there dad would always say stuff like "Look at the way Sawyer just looks through to your soul." or "Have you kissed those little baby lips yet?" I use to think he was weird when he would say things like that but now I look into Sawyers eyes and I understand what he meant. Dad could sense just how close to the veil he was. And now I also can't get enough of my baby boys kisses! He was right. All along. Wish I would have taken the time when he was here though. Its just another regret to add to my list unfortunately.

Making It Through This Hard Time

Its been 6 months..... At times it feels like 6 years. Others times it feels like only 6 days. I think about my Dad daily. This Father's Day is going to be severely hard. This will be the 1st Father's Day without him. I remember complaining about having to go see my dad on Father's Day but now.... I wish I still had that chance. Its heart wrenching to have that kind of regret. I wish I would have done things different. I wish I could go back and cherish those special holidays. Why did I take those things for granted? I never thought I would lose him so soon.
Today, I am sending a prayer that will hopefully reach through the veil and to my dad....
Dad, I love you. I miss you. I am sorry I was a rotten daughter. I wish I could take back the times I hurt you. I wish I spent more time with you. I wish I could be held in your strong, comforting embrace one last time. Please forgive me..... for everything. I will always be your little girl. I look forward to seeing you again. Until that day.... I love you.

Thinking About Dad

I think I know why I have been a little on the depressed side lately. I have had 2 dreams about my dad and he has been on my mind a lot. My dreams were really strange.

1st Dream: We went through my dad's death all over again. Miserable. Then we were in my mom's back yard having a BBQ when all the sudden the clouds turned kinda dark. We all looked up to see what was going on when all the sudden bubbles started to come down from the sky and surround us and eventually encircling us. We knew that they were from my dad..... What does that mean?!

2nd Dream: My mom and her husband got divorced {sorry mom I didn't mean to dream this} and my parents got back together. Weird thing was we were all young again. I was probably about 7 or 8 again but still had all my memories from now. Can anyone tell me what these things mean?

I was sitting at my computer listening to music when a song started to play that made me think of my dad. "Tough Little Boys" by Gary Allen. Its the song that my dad and I danced to at my wedding. I began to sob. I have had this terrible ache inside me but haven't found a way to release it until I cried. It felt good to cry. Is that strange? I was at the table eating lunch with my grandma and Sawyer on my lap and I was just staring at Sawyer. I thought how much Sawyer has changed since December. My dad would have been amazed at his progress and change. He was always so glad to watch his grandchildren grow and learn. Tears began to stream down my cheeks again {like they are now} and Sawyer just looked up at me, smiled, and gave me a hug! He knew his mama needed it. He is very intuitive. He is such a strength to me. Even at such a young age.

Today, has been a struggle. Missing my dad so much it almost hurts. Although, I am not a fan of crying it helps my heart to heal. I know I will see him again. Its just the waiting part that is hard.

Getting Ready For The Party

I spent some of last night and most of this morning getting my house ready for the party tonight. I broke a glass last night so spent like an hour on my kitchen floor trying to make sure I got every tiny piece of glass up and made sure it was all mopped and looked good. Today, I gave Sawyer a Poptart and he ended up throwing it on the floor and stepping on it and mushing it into the tile. Sigh. I am starting to notice that nothing stays clean for very long when you have a little one!
I have done a bunch of little things to the house these past two days. My bay window looks very festive. Yes, I already put up my Easter stuff! I love Easter almost as much as Halloween and Christmas! Besides its bring and cheery and I am ready for spring! Also, Brandon hung up some sconces in my basement since my poor basement is completely bare. I am trying to fix that slowly! Finally, Brandon is working on getting a border up around our new deck door. We got the door back in September but haven't gotten around to putting up the border until today. I am very excited! I will post pics tomorrow when I get some time.
I am still pretty nervous to have all my family here tonight but am also very excited. I have a feeling my dad will be watching us and smiling!

Daddy Has Returned Home

My beloved father has now returned home to his Heavenly Father. He passed away Tuesday December 8th, 2009 at 8:10 pm surrounded by his kids and wife. I am so grateful that he is no longer in pain but feel as though there is a huge gaping whole in my heart. I do not yet have the strength to write about the day of his passing. I just wanted people to know. If you are interested in attending his viewing it will be held at Lindquists Mortuary on 34th and Washington in Ogden Friday the 11th from 6-8 pm. His funeral will be held at the same place on Saturday at 11 am.

Sometimes Things Get Worse.....

We got more bad news about my father today. He had an appointment at 11:45 with his oncologist and they said the lesion in his brain in more cancer and that it is what is affecting his motor functions and stability. His doctor said that he would no longer need chemo since the brain automatically shuts off chemo from traveling to his brain. He said the only thing that could be done would be to do radiation on his brain. He said if it were him personally he wouldn't subject a family member to such 'torture'. The radiation would make him very very sick and he'd be in a lot of pain. He said he wouldn't wish that on his worst enemy. After hearing that of course LK opted not to do radiation. I called her around 1pm and she could barely tell me all of this. I offered to call my siblings and spread the news. That was a very hard thing to do for me. How do you tell people your father is dying and there is nothing else you can do? I tried to be strong while telling each of my siblings the news but I ended up breaking down after everyone I told.
I called Kelly and asked if she would watch Sawyer while I went and visited my dad. The entire way to his house I was bawling. I couldn't contain any of my emotions. I had to sit in my car in front of his house for a while to try to compose myself. I knew it would not be good of me to go in and just start crying. I needed to be strong for him....
When I entered his house, he was in his usual chair talking on the phone and just sobbing. I lost it. I dropped my stuff and ran over to him. I laid my head on his chest and matched his sobs. I pulled back so I could look at him and he just started back at he, tears pouring down our cheeks. I held his hands and noticed how frail they have become. He then put his hand on my cheek and I memorize how they felt on my face. I kept telling him how much I love him.
My uncle and nana came and so did his bishop and his neighbor that he is good friends with. They gave my dad a blessing. At this time I cannot remember every thing it entailed but I can say I felt peaceful after it was done.
My sister Charise got there soon after and also my sister Tiffany and niece Torrey. I was so glad that they were all able to come and visit him today. He needed it so much. So did I. We sat talking and reminising for quite a while and ate a little dinner. It was close to 7 so I decided it was best to let him get some rest and go get my baby.
On the way home I called Nikki and totally broke down again. I try to be strong but I really am weak when it comes things like this. Nikki broke down to me as well. She is coming to town this week and I couldn't be more thankful. My dad needs her as do I.
I know I have asked many times for people to keep my dad in their prayers but I am asking again....
I love my dad. Right now, I am terrified. I pray for the strength to be strong for my dad and family.