Grandma Baird

I have been taking care of grandma Baird for over a year and a half now. She fell in December and hurt her side and ever since then she has gone down hill. Right now she is to the point where she is completely bedridden, hasn't eaten in over a month really (other than a few bites of pudding here or there), doesn't drink much, is talking to those beyond the veil, and is being sedated most of the time to keep her comfortable. I am not diggin this whole family members dying every year. It better not continue. Thankfully my grandma has lived a very full and long life. She is 93 and has done so much. Knowing that has not made it much easier to watch I admit. Being around her, taking care of her, watching as she declines almost daily brings back watching my dad pass. So many difficult emotions. It is all very bittersweet to me. I want her to pass so she can be reunited with my grandpa, whom she has not seen in over 8 years but I want to keep her here for my own selfish reasons. She is truly a great woman.
As of Tuesday I no longer 'work'/ care for her during the day. That was a little scary to have that kind of dropped on me. I was very aware that it was coming but wasn't expecting it so soon. Thankfully, I know everything will workout and we will find away to make things work. Instead of taking care of her in the day I decided that since my poor sweet mom gets NO sleep (grandma seems to wake up at nights and gets severely agitated so my mom never gets good sleep), I would come over during the evenings and let my mom take a break and try to get some sleep in. Last night was my first night doing that and I think my mom got 4-5 straight hours of sleep!! She doesn't normally get that so when I talked to her today she said she felt like a new woman! That's what I like to hear! If I can give her just a tiny break so she can sleep or even do something else other than worry about my grandma, I will be happy!
Last night, I felt proud of myself. I changed my grandma's 'diaper' by myself, gave her a suppository by myself, and gave her her medication all by myself. The medication wasn't hard but the other two were a little more challenging. But I did them! Even though I know it kills my grandma to have to have these things done I was happy to do them. Made me feel like I was showing her love in trying to keep her clean and comfortable. Is that weird?! Who cares if it is. I still felt good about it. Once I gave her the meds she started to drift off to sleep but when she was almost all the way asleep, she would jump and get so scared. She told me she didn't want to fall asleep because she is scared. I kneeled down by her bed, put her hand to my heart while her other hand wrapped around me tightly, and looked into her foggy eyes and began telling her that she doesn't need to worry. That her parents are watching over her and they can't wait to greet her with loving open arms. That when they see her they are going to embrace her and tell her what a wonderful job she did and how much they have missed her and love her. (Even writing about this makes my heart swell! ) I proceeded to tell her that grandpa is waiting to see her too. That he can't wait to hold her in his arms and hug her and whisper in her ear how much he's missed her and how they will never ever be parted again! By this time, I had tears streaming down my cheeks. I believe this is true. I got such a clear picture of the whole scenario in my mind while I was telling her it. I almost felt like I was prompted to tell her.
Death is very difficult but it can also be such a testimony builder and a wonderful spiritual experience! I'm glad I've had the opportunity to care for her!