I had a very huge wake up call this weekend thanks to my great friend Tia! I have been so stressed out lately and have been ornery with Brandon constantly. We had a major blow up Saturday. Tia and Dan came over and right when they got there I grabbed Tia and we left. I had to get away. I told her what was going on and what was said {not very good things were said} and told her everything I was feeling and everything that I was mad at Brandon for. She asked me "How would you feel if Brandon told you you were doing this wrong, and this wrong, and this wrong?" I said "I would be fine with it. As long as he said it in a 'good' way." She then said "really? I always feel horrible when Dan tells me I'm doing something wrong." That got me thinking how would I really feel if Brandon told me I wasn't doing something right? First off, Brandon doesn't complain about me.... to my face anyway! He never seems to have a problem with me. Its really weird. I know I do things that drive him nuts but he never tells me or gets upset with me over them. He just kinda accepts them because he knows thats me......
Anyway, so we went back home and kept talking and i kept crying and telling her awful things were. I kept saying how he just doesn't do this and he never does that..... and she stopped me and looked at me like "are you listening to yourself? No wonder Brandon wants to stop trying all together. There's no pleasing you." That made me realize how horrible I have been to him. Who would want to try when every time you try to do something it doesn't get acknowledged and you just get yelled at for a million other things you don't do right? I mean who wants to be told constantly that they are doing something wrong? I sure as heck wouldn't. That's how I have been making him feel. Makes me sick to my stomach to realize and admit. I have not been the wife that I should be. Brandon is such a great man. He is brilliant, funny, laid back, handsome, a great worker, a wonderful provider, a fantastic dad and husband. He is going to school and work so I am able to stay at home with our kids which is very important to me. I feel awful that I have been tearing him down so much over the past few weeks. He does so much for me. So it is my new goal to make sure and let him know that he is appreciated and stop getting so worked up over the tiny things that don't really matter. Its always great to get those big slaps in the face! I'm glad I have Tia. She is so helpful and such a wonderful friend. I can really tell she cares for me and wants us to succeed and be happy. She always has really good advice and opens my eyes to different perspectives. Thank goodness for friends! :0)
5 comments:
Wow. You guys really must be great friends. I can't believe your humility in understanding and accepting that. I think I would get very defensive and only want sympathy.
I have a husband that doesn't do a lot of things, too. I know how it is. I've never been the type to say anything and sometimes it just bottles up inside of me till I feel like I'll explode. One thing that totally helps me is realizing that Greg is much like Brandon. He almost never complains about my weaknesses. And I have them aplenty. When I think about his, I try to remember all of mine that he keeps quite about and accepts.
Man, marriage is hard! Keep up the good work.
Sheena, I really enjoy reading your blog. You are a good, articulate writer, and I love hearing about how much you love and care for Sawyer.
I'm glad you wrote this post: 1- it sounds like your friend is a true friend: treasure her. and 2- because the general gist of your post sounds so similar to myself years ago in my marriage I would highly suggest you read the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book. Preferrably with your husband. I just got the book on tape for Tom to listen to during his commute every day, I don't think reading it together out loud would've been easy for a lot of reasons. But we were both amazed at how much we didn't understand about each other, our motivations, are needs, our communication styles, etc. It does have some hokey parts, and I understand why people don't like the book, but I think for the kind of difficulties you're describing, it could really help.
That said, 13 years of marriage (in a few weeks, that is) I still echo Lisa's "Man, marriage is hard!" but would add: and it sure is worth it!!
Wow! I can't believe your own friend would take his side. Sad! There is nothing wrong with realizing you are over-reacting to some things but some of your gripes are legit and now you are making excuses for him while tearing yourself down. Just because you may have over-reacted about some things other things probably deserved your ire..... It isn't fair to put all the blame on you. You are in the right about a lot of your issues (and deep down he knows it).
It's so hard to admit when we're doing something wrong! I did this same thing to Dan a few years ago! I didn't even realize I was doing it until he said something!!!! I felt awful! I hadn't even realized! I still catch myself doing it sometimes. I just have days. I don't know why I feel like EVERYTHING is wrong unless it's done MY way sometimes. I hate when I do that to him though. I don't know what exactly has happened with you two but it seems like you've taken a step in the right direction. You're friend seem amazing. It takes guts to look a friend in the eye and say "you're wrong! Open your eyes!" Marriage is work but there is so much good to make up for the work, especially if you are willing to admit your faults and change when you need to.
Wow. Sheena, you're my hero. If only Steve and I had been able to admit this about ourselves (especially me) a year or two ago... maybe we wouldn't be in the position we are now. Hold onto this new feeling you've got... it will save the two of you.
You are not always in the wrong, but this attitude will make sure he is there to listen and care when you are right and need to address it with him.
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